October 1994

I love that I can have a glass of wine and laugh and feel good. Besides, I've decided that I'm too young to have regrets and worries. I disown such things!

We're supposed to move on, aren't we? Perhaps even forget.

I must be heard! Do you think there's some deep, hidden, psychological meaning for this need? I've made a pact with myself not to analyze my every action anymore. Going back to a more primitive way of being. Eat, drink, be merry!

Every day I forgive myself and my parents for being the people we happen to be. Most days I'm not successful, but at least I try. Said to mom, 'If I were a parent and my child told me he's gay I would support him.' Poor Lena, witness to my craziness, running to my rescue.

Ran into Santi and his boyfriend on the street. We chatted for some time, and when we were parting I said, 'You were a mentor to me. It was good to have a friend so positive at that age. Thank you!'

Motivation. Addiction. Escape.

Brandon gave my number to a mechanic he knows. He called, "My plans for tonight fell through, would you like to go out and grab something to eat?" 'Yeah, sure.' Shannon picked me up and when I got into his car I broke the ice by telling him that he looked nice. He had beautiful blue eyes and blond hair. We pulled up to the restaurant and Shannon got out of the car. I stayed seated. He looked at me as if to say, Aren't you coming? 'The keys,' I mouthed to him pointing to the ignition that was still running. "Oh!" Shannon returned to turn off the car. I laughed. Over dinner we talked, Shannon seemed nervous. I flirted. I asked him playful questions about relationships and masturbation. He looked about us and told me to "shhh". We laughed. Earlier I'd looked up from my menu and asked, 'Are we gonna kiss later? I wanna know if I should have garlic.' He'd smiled and said, "Order what you want." He talked freely about his three-year relationship and some of the struggles he was having with his boyfriend. I listened and relished our freedom as gay men to talk openly about our lives, and was not jealous or intolerant. I took him to Big Chicks and The Lucky Horseshoe. But we ended up at Montrose harbor. We kissed. It was nice. "Can I ask you something?" Shannon pulled away and asked. 'Yeah.' "No, I can't. It's too early," he hesitated. 'Go ahead. Ask!' I pressed, curious. "Are you a bottom?" 'Yes.' "We've got a problem." I disagreed, 'I-lost-my-dick-in-an-accident is a problem, us being bottoms is a small snag.' It was wonderful the way Shannon and I were able to be honest with each other, open, communicative. We ended up going back to his place and having sex.

Brandon and I bonded over vodka-tonics and a cigar. Brandon opened up about some of his feelings about life and dating women. He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. It was a good night for us.

Ro, who works in the production offices of films that are shot in Chicago, invited me to a party thrown by a young actress named Sandra Bullock. It was a pajama party. Someone introduced me to Sandra who was the sweetest person, she hugged and kissed me, welcomed everyone equally. Life is too funny. Anyhow, I'm taking it easy. Making the most of every addiction, every situation.