December 1991

My future depends on now. I have to shape up. Dad's been drinking. I don't blame him. I've put him through hell. I treat him like shit. Just finish this semester, I tell myself. All I know is that there is so much to learn and do out there in the world. Life itself is school. I've been fantasizing a lot again. Don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what's good. Why am I wasting my life going through this? My parents say we came to this country so we, the kids, could get an education and make something of ourselves. That's all that goes through my head.

A beautiful snowstorm.

I can't believe I missed classes again.

In Fundamentals of Fashion Design I complained that it was hot and Dennis, our instructor, told me to take off my sweater. Later, Julie told me that he'd also whispered under his breath to take off my trousers. We laughed.

Tracy's mad at me. She said, "My father thinks you're changing, and I agree."

Some woman left her bag in dad's cab and I Fed Exed it to her in San Francisco. She sounded very nice over the phone. The Fed Ex man was hot! Marcelo, who's not been drinking, got drunk last night and cried to Bryan. Marcelo had called me yesterday and invited me to Charmer's, but I had other plans. He had said he wanted to play darts and, "Blow off some steam." We hadn't talked in detail what this meant. To hear from Lisa that he had gone to Bryan's drunk at three in the morning and cried really saddened me today. Lately, I've been feeling very close to him. I talked to Marcelo today but he didn't mention the incident, and neither did I. Marcelo never discusses his feelings. He's more than willing to share his intellectual ideas, but never his emotions.

I just want to stay in my room forever. I'm afraid of the future. Dad and I got into a huge fight and I ripped to pieces the portrait of me that was on top of the TV. I just didn't want it there. I didn't want to look at it anymore.

Didn't go to school. Too much on my mind.

Didn't go to school again.

Kelly and I got into a stupid fight. I walked out of No Exit. She followed and wouldn't let me get into my car and leave. I hated her so much. All I could say was, 'I can't handle this right now.' I shouted something at her. I yelled at her so loudly, little, pretty Kelly. She cried. I started to walk away. But where would I go? I heard her footsteps behind me on that dark, empty side street. I stopped before a shop window, began to cry. I'd been hating myself too much to be dealing with a good friend who was upset with me. Kelly stood behind me now. She hugged me. We cried together. "I'm sorry." 'I'm sorry.' That's all we said. A group of people passed by and Kelly and I burst out laughing at ourselves. Relief. We went back inside as if our friendship was renewed. Kelly told me later that her mother had said to her, "You and Emil are both so dramatic, I wonder how you two get along."

Rachel, Lisa, and I hung out with Brandon for the first time in a long time. Lisa and Brandon seem to have put their past behind them and get along quite well. Brandon and I smoked a bowl or two. Lisa and Rachel didn't. They never smoke pot. I like hanging out with Brandon. I feel the male bonding.

I smoked pot with Bryan for the first time. It wasn't all that special. He's weird, quiet, and thoughtful. But he never shares any of his thoughts.

I'm angry that dad is drunk. I'm angry that I hate school. I'm angry that mom is far away. I'm angry that I'm angry. I feel I should be able to change things. I feel that I'm weak, smoking pot and drinking. I feel that friends influence me. Control. I need to get control over my life. I need to make a list. 1. Stop making sexual jokes. It's getting tiresome. 2. Be more natural. Who cares if you look gay? 3. Don't touch alcohol. I hate drinking.

A couple speakers came to our English class and read our work. They read the profile I wrote on Tara and said it was a very strong piece.

I'm just really worried sometimes because I know the moves I make now will affect the rest of my life. Marcelo and I took Kelly to Charmer's. It was her first time at a gay bar. We laughed at the gay porn playing on the many TV screens, and joined others in playing darts. A little Asian man bought me and Kelly drinks. We were touched. Norman the bartender fell in love with Kelly with whom he was partnered for darts. He told us to, "Come back soon." We left with a good feeling, except I wanted dick. Sometimes I get so horny. You know?

The funniest thing about fighting with dad tonight was when I screamed at the top of my lungs, 'I like dick and I like it up my ass!' Afterward, Kelly and I went to see the Irish band, The Drovers. We drank and danced in circles and circles and smiles, saying to each other, "I love you. I love you." Kelly is so beautiful. I think this is the most special thing that has happened since I got back from California. Then we went out to eat with John, the band's drummer. We ended up at John's house where he showed us his hats, quirky shirts, toys. He taught me to juggle. John, too, was ten when he came to this country from Ireland. We talked about this. He turned out to be such a wonderful person. I almost forgot about the fight I had with dad earlier. It was a night that will always be here, in me.

Christmas Eve. Sadness hits me but this time I won't surrender to it. Dad, Bell, and I are having a simple little dinner here at the apartment. I miss the big family gatherings we used to have before mom and dad divorced. I realize that things are hard now, but they'll get better someday. Kelly and I are at Stacks & Steaks. Kelly writes: So, we make a memory out of just about anything, huh Emil? As long as we're together and there's coffee and cigarettes it's memorable. We could probably do without the coffee and cigs, but why would we bother? And now a man just came over and told Emil he's really lucky because I am the prettiest girl in the restaurant. Yay! Now I'm home and have decided that Kelly and I will be friends for a long, long, long time. A poem by Kelly:
We share these moments
Like we share our smiles
Like we share our special jokes
That only we fully understand
Our laughter rings together
Harmony
Like our songs
Like our dreams
Like we shared a dance one night
And now I sound like a Hallmark card
But we share that too
Sentimentality
I think of you when I hear the word
And I'm so inspired tonight
Inspired by our closeness
When did we get so close
But that doesn't matter
All that matters is now
And we're here to share
So merry Christmas Emil

Marcelo and I went to Sidetrack and had a great time. I drank and wanted dick. I never thought I'd get it. Marcelo went into 7-Eleven to get cigarettes while I waited outside where I met Michael. He had beautiful blue eyes and Marcelo and I went to Vortex with him and his friends. We danced. Michael in front of me, his friend behind. Yes, it was rather exciting. So, I spill beer on Michael's friend while I whisper into Michael's ear, 'I want to give you a blowjob now, or I'll never do it.' We ended up in the alley, which is tacky, I know. There I found out that Michael was twenty-seven. I made him show me his I.D. because I didn't believe him. He didn't believe that I'm eighteen and carded me. A woman came up to us and asked us for drugs. We told her we didn't have any. And she gave us some shit about her being black. I said, 'No, we're different…' And was about to engage the drugged out woman when Michael interjected and asked her to leave us alone. We ended up walking to his apartment a couple blocks away and talking. He was really nice and I felt comfortable. He held my hands, kissed me a lot, and told me I'm beautiful. I told him he didn't have to say all that. I kept reminding myself that it was a casual thing. He said, "What if I fall in love with you?" For a second I thought this was it, that I'd found the man of my dreams. But of course I had to remind myself over and over that this was just a casual encounter. I ran back to Vortex to find Marcelo sitting in the car with the engine running. I apologized profusely. I had Michael's phone number in my pocket. He had mine now. I smiled as we drove home, unsure if I'd fallen in love.

I'm glad I was sober this New Year's Eve. I'd called Michael from Marcelo's and we'd talked for a bit. He never called back like he said he would, but we ran into him at Vortex. It was very crowded and Michael was cold. I made the best of it. An older man danced with me and kept touching me. Rachel saved me. But the man kept pawing and kissing me, so I turned away. I wish we could have done something more memorable.