July 1996

Geo and I went to San Francisco and explored Haight Ashbury. We got two bottles of red wine, cheese, crackers, and dope and were off to the beach. We sat on a cliff where hang gliders swooshed down upon us and showed off. We sipped wine and waved to them. The sun glistened on the water below. It was wonderful.

I've been bad again. You know how captious I get when it comes to sex. I feel it is dirty and wrong. I feel homophobic, that being gay should not mean being promiscuous. Yet, I give in to urge, the lust, cock, and this carnal craving, youth, and inconsistency.

I like the fact that all will fall into place for me and work out.

I'm going through a period of sexual growth. There are many male suitors in my life. Guilt is almost a thing of the past. One afternoon Cliff stopped by and gave me pleasure. Even the memory excites me now. We see each other scaresly but go further each time. He loves to kiss and cuddle. I came twice. In the heat of the moment he whispered in my ear that the next time he would fuck me. He turns me on deeply.
Later that evening Richard came over. He's thirty and Mexican. We grilled, ate, talked, and laughed. He fucks like a bunny. Just pounds into me.
Yesterday we took off for Sacramento and returned this morning. What a lovely old town. Some of the architecture reminded me of Chicago. We went to a gay bar called Faces and had a ball. I was smiling the whole time. New town, new people, new me. We got a hotel room and rolled around a bit. I don't think Richard and I are going anywhere and I sense that he's more into me than I am into him.
Will other fantasies metamorphose?

"What will you do with your life?"
'Live it!!!'

There is a huge homoerotic underworld in Modesto.
I think of him and masturbate.

Sometimes the right thing to do is not necessarily the appropriate thing to do.
I'm a lover, not a fighter, but push me into red and watch out!

I register for another semester of classes but it is out of obligation.
I was fired from work for getting into a verbal row with a customer. It was really funny more than serious.
The world is busy bombing and being bombed.
California is crazy.
What now?

I am in Marin County visiting my aunt and grandmother. The hills surround us. I am in the breeze, in the yard. Waiting for luck is the biggest form of self-betrayal. But I patiently suffer the arrival of chance to make my dreams come true- once I work out the voices in my head, the conflict inside.
Or maybe not. Maybe nothing will come. Maybe I will be a store clerk.