July 1995

Due to unexplainable powers and planetary mysteries I'm suddenly in California. Got here yesterday with only a few necessities. All of my life is in boxes back in Chicago. One day at a time, as Michael advised. An addict's advice…
Before moving here I went to Minneapolis to visit with Marcelo who has moved there. It was a wonderful time. The queer Latino community Marcelo has joined there invited me to be in the Pride Parade with them. I sat on the hood of a crawling red Mustang wearing all white, holding a piñata that dangled from the end of a very long pole. It rained but the Parade went on, and there were many supporters out. My second home there was a coffee house called Zev.
At a party that Marcelo threw I ended up having sex with a blond young man. I was a top for the first time. It was animalistic, hard, and sweaty. I saw myself differently as I pounded into him. He was bent over the sink in the bathroom, submissive.
But I'm here now. A new start. Let life take its course.

Modesto is a town in the Central Valley, near Stockton. It is hot here and there are many strip malls. The only attractive thing about Modesto are the almond orchards in the outskirts. Mom and I live in a community of sterile pink and peach colored track homes with tidy lawns and clean wide streets. The house we live in is actually owned by my grandmother who lives in Marin County, north of San Francisco. There she owns and runs a rest home with the help of my young and beautiful aunt, Jackie. It has been hot here. I read.

I have no car, no friends. I just interviewed at a Walgreen's, which is just a short walk from here. I would absolutely hate to work there, it's so not me! But I'm here and have to do what I have to do. I will make it to San Francisco one day. Gotta start some place, right?

I'm living the white trash dream! Missing city life in so many ways. Missing my past.

"Accidental Tourist" was a horrible book. It lacked any depth and passion. Anne Tyler spent so much time and words on nonessential things- He tied his shoes, she baked a pie. It was shocking.
Missing my other eventful and distorted life.

Accept things as they are, be patient, I tell myself.

In a few months I'll belong.
Sadness is a waste of time.

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant, though I didn't want to be. In the doctor's office I could see a perfect image of the fetus on the sonogram. It had huge brown eyes, but its sex was a mystery. I wondered how the child was going to get out of me, and worried.

"The World According To Garp" is my latest friend.

People move to New York to study art and music, others go to Europe, even Chicago. I? I come to Modesto. An eccentric? A fool? Time will tell.
The streets here are desolate and silent at night. In Chicago they are festive, even dangerous. But I had to escape my life in Chicago. It was time.