May 1995

I always go to the point of no return. Brandon's a big part of my life. Too many cigarettes. I'm drunk. Good night.

Whenever something becomes a commitment I freak and escape. School. The farm. Signing a lease. Jobs.

Rock bottom is here.

I haven't expressed my thoughts because I didn't want to admit that they exist. Today I sat in Brandon's car, looked out at the city, and wanted to die. Something eats me up inside. I don't trust myself because commitments bring fear and I run. And Brandon? Please, the powers out there, help me unlove him. I can't even help getting high with him. I know nothing else. Maybe I just need to get in touch with myself again. Stop feeling sorry for myself. Been thinking about getting a one-way ticket to California. There's so much I need to leave behind. I've been loving things that are bad for me.

I was cruised in our very own neighborhood one night. Shocking. He was a straight guy, and asked me to put on panties, which he pulled out of the closet. They were red and soft. He caressed my ass as we lay together. I asked him to spank me. He whispered dirty things in my ear. He asked me to go over in a few days, dress up for him, and be his "bitch". He told me to shave my ass for him. 'I'm nobody's bitch, and I'm not shaving my ass!' I told him, and was out of there.

Karen, from the restaurant, invited me to go along to a gay wedding with her. Her friend Dale joined us. I asked him to help me with my tie in the parking lot. 'Thanks, honey,' I joked with Dale who was in his thirties and gentle. He smiled and said, "You really are a cutie, you know that?" He fed me cherry tomatoes while we arranged the vegetable platter at the informal reception. "I know. I'm flirting," he said as he fed me another tomato. 'Slightly,' I smiled. He was so charming. When he had to leave I walked him out of the apartment. He shook my hand on the stairs where we paused. We kissed. I hugged him. We made no promises, no plans. Dale lives in Connecticut, probably has a partner. But I've bought a one-way ticket to California. We'll see what happens.