March 1990

Melisa and I got up, got ready, and took the bus downtown. There were business people everywhere. For a second I could appreciate being in Chicago. We went to an old bookstore, then to Water Tower Place. But everything was too expensive.

In homeroom Maggie wanted to talk about our friendship. She said she was sick of having to jump in front of me just to say "hi", and of having to wait for me and Lisa to have a fight so that I would talk to her. I said that she herself was the only reason I did not talk to her. She didn't say anything. I was called into the counseling office to pick my classes for senior year. Ms. Kaminski and I talked about my grades and I told her what was bothering me. She gave me the number to Loyola's Doyle Center- where I once saw a therapist after my stupid suicide attempt. I read some journal entries to Tracy today and after slipping a couple times about my sexuality I came out to her. She said that Lisa had told her about me last summer. Tracy was really cool about my confusion.

I yelled at dad. I told him I should have killed myself. Saw the darker side of things. I couldn't see a future. Tracy called in the middle of all this and told me to come over. Tara was there and we talked. I love her, she's so funny. We got beer. I got really fucked up. It was scary.

I'm so angry. Sooo angry! I hate life. I feel suicidal but I can't tell anyone. Tracy wants me to talk to her but it would be stupid to talk about it. I'd feel like I was asking for pity. I blame my parents for the way I feel.

I've decided to let dad drink all he wants and not let it bother me. If it makes him happy… which I think it does. My poor father, he doesn't really have anyone. He lost it all. He only lives to support us, his sons. I love you, dad. He's right here, should I tell him? I should. But it's not easy. Conrad told Lisa he was suicidal. Someone should figure out what's up with him, quick! Brandon said Conrad was only joking but I used to say it and no one believed it, not even myself, sometimes. God, I love this cruel, sweet, confused life. I've decided not to worry about anything. After all, this is all a dream.

Teenage life! Re-enacting the same scene over and over again. No matter how happy I am with friends it's the times when I'm alone, like now, that truly count. I have to get to know and love myself…

Snuck a bottle of rum into Tracy's house and watched a movie with Lisa and Tracy. Lisa was really drunk, held me, and played with my hair. It was strange. I wanted to kiss her.

We went to see "Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind" again. Afterward we went to the Bistro and danced. Damon, one of Marcelo's friends whom I met on New Year's Eve, came up to us. He hugged and kissed me, and wanted me to stay but I told him no.

After the Junior Ring Dance we went to a hotel and got fucked up. Like always Lisa and I got into a fight.

Tracy and I stuffed our pockets with beer and headed downtown for the St. Patrick's Day Parade. By the time we got there we'd missed most of it. We snuck into an alley to drink our beer, and Tracy peed behind a dumpster. Two older men came up to us and smoked a joint with us. Tracy didn't smoke. Then we went to a party with a bunch of Irish-American people. It's the first time that I've actually celebrated St. Patty's Day with the Irish.

I found condoms in dad's coat pocket. My friends and I are happy for him. He went out again tonight, which is very much unlike him. But today was the worst day of my life. I cried uncontrollably and thought about suicide. I hated everything and myself. Thinking about the saddest things. I broke a glass.

In a note Lisa wrote that she felt she had been replaced by Tracy, who is her childhood friend, and that she didn't matter to me anymore. I guess that's partially true, but not totally.

I'm thinking of calling the number Ms. Kaminski gave me for counseling. I miss those moments alone with my dog when I was younger in Santa Rosa. I wish I could go back to a time when I had nothing to worry or think about. I feel really old…

I feel like a stranger to myself. I don't know how to feel anymore. It makes me angry to think of all that's happened to me. I used to smile, be innocent. I called Doyle Center and some woman called back. She seemed to know a lot about me from my one visit with a therapist last August. She asked a lot of questions and wanted to know too much, and made me uncomfortable. I hate that feeling I get whenever I talk to any professional. Trying to sound normal but in return sounding like you're really trying. They want dad to call because parents have to be involved in the process. I totally don't want that! I just don't want to ask dad. At Reza's someone had a birthday party and a cake. There was singing and cameras flashing. They seemed so happy. In our home we don't celebrate anything anymore. We haven't had a Christmas tree, colored eggs, or shit for three years now.

My cousin Ray bought us beer. Lisa was there. We did shots of something and had a nice conversation in the dining room. We looked at some old photographs and really talked. It felt great being drunk with family and Lisa.

In the morning Lisa was crashed on the couch in my green cardigan. She looked like a baby. I ran errands and when I came back Lisa was awake. We smoked, had lunch, and decided to go for a walk. We talked and laughed, and as we did this I thought to myself, It's fun being a teenager… sometimes. I danced, skipped, and sang. When you're young you can be silly.

Dad was drunk. Mom didn't call.

I hate it when I look back on lost things- the smallest things have been upsetting me.

Love is not near.

I'm fat, ugly, a fag, stupid, lazy, boring. I wish I could talk to my friends, but you can't tell people this scary stuff.

I bought the beer today. There's a liquor store on Clark that sells to anyone. I was rather proud of myself and yet, a little disappointed.

February 1990

Who needs friends? I'm happiest alone. It's a comfort to believe in God. It helps a great deal. My life would be so bad if I didn't believe. I don't want to say my life would be "worse" because that would be ungrateful.


I need help. I'm thinking of getting counseling. I don't want to live this way. I want to forget mom. I want to forget me. I want to scream and break things. I'm not happy with who I really am.


I have to learn to love myself. Amazingly enough sometimes I do. I wore all black today. I like black.


Received a letter from Eli in Norway.


Intense headaches.


Ed called. Then somehow I ended up at his house. Something weird happened. You can guess it. I asked him to stop half way. It felt good but it also hurt. Why do I do this to myself? I'm not sure if I really wanted to have sex or not. Afterward I went over to Tracy's. Lisa was there. I told her what happened earlier and she said that I shouldn't abuse myself like that.


I can't stop thinking about what we did yesterday. I hate Sundays. I was doing homework when I looked up and noticed dad's sad, drunk face. I hated him for it. We fought. Nelson Mandela was freed today!


In junior high school I hated having to change in the locker room. I was fat and the others made fun of me and called me "fatso". I think I'm still fat. If I could lose some weight. God, so much to think and worry about. Maybe I like it all.


Today in English I started laughing imagining myself on my back with my legs up in the air. It's cold, rainy, and icy.


Mom called crying. Anjel is dying. Tracy's alcoholic father reminds me of my own in a sad way. When I lay in bed tonight I said to myself, 'Same old bed, same old covers, same old, walls, same old darkness…'


In the cab something hit me, some kind of a revelation. It was weird. It was like a message from God that just popped into my head. I thought to myself, I'm going to be happy, someday. And I smiled. Outside the streets looked terrible, slushy and icy.


Tracy was trying to find someone with a car and kept calling every five minutes. I had to ask her to stop because dad was getting upset. He was drinking. So, she told me to just come over. But before I could get away a fight blew up. Dad started bitching about how terrible my friends are. Then we dragged his drinking and mom into it. I yelled so hard my throat burned. I totally protected mom. I don't know if I should have bothered. I hate these mixed feelings I have about her. I threw the phone against a wall and ran outside. Lit a cigarette and started walking to Tracy's. There the two of us sat upstairs and talked. She told me that her parents really like me. That made me feel good. She also said that besides her fiancé, Seamus, I am her best friend. That made me feel good, too. Lisa and Brandon came by and brought beer. We had to sneak it upstairs past Tracy's parents.


Anjel died at four in the morning. Mom said that Anjel had cried when she gave her my message that I loved her very much. I remember how much Anjel loved us when we were little children in Iran. She didn't have her own and poured all her love into us. And how beautiful she was. Blue-eyed with black hair. Gorgeous. And young. Always laughing. I got chills when I thought about her body cold and naked at the coroner's. Why couldn't our bodies disappear with our ill souls?


They say going through tough things in life builds character. I hope so. Everything in this journal is my secret. Mine alone. At Reza's I asked an American woman to dance with me, but she said she was too drunk.


Rachel and I went to Heartland Café for coffee and talked for three hours. I told her I wanted my mother to be more honest with me, show some emotion. I know she's keeping all the hurt inside. I want her to scream and yell at me for leaving her. I want her to slap and hit me. I just want her to get it all out, instead of in little hurtful trickles. On the drive home the cab driver asked if I was Greek or Assyrian. We talked for some time. He was cool.


Violent headaches. Melisa came over and we watched movies. We were sleeping on the living room floor when we just started making out. We felt like naughty children. Then we slept.

January 1990

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December 1989

Lisa said that someone called her house and told her mother that Lisa is a slut and that she's fucked all these guys. Things that were partly true, but come on! As you can imagine her mother was very upset. Lisa and Thomas are now friends, but she still loves him.

Today Rachel asked if I'd made up my mind about my sexuality. She said that I am gay. I said that I was glad that she could face it! I guess the one thing I hate about being gay is that it's sometimes so obvious. If only I could talk and act like a real man. Life is a challenge. God, I want to do well in school. Please make me a good student. Help me make the right decisions. Take care of us all.

Dad went into Reza's to pick up dinner. While waiting in the car I watched the same waitresses I've seen so many times before do their usual thing, and I realized that I'm young and free to do whatever I want with my life.

You know? This journal seems like something I can talk to. It comforts me. I'm just waiting to see what happens next…

I got my second smoking fine at school, but told dad that I needed the twenty dollars for a book.

It's cool passing Maggie in the halls because we cheer each other up! Dad and I ate dinner together and I told him about my trip. We were bound to talk about it, someday. We ended up arguing, of course. I let him know that mom does care, but he argued this point. For a second I found myself doubting mom. But I won't! In fact, I stood up for her. I have to admit that during my parents' divorce I was really brainwashed. That was summer of '88 when mom and dad talked and talked shit about each other. Why did I fall for it? It was their fault that I was so confused for so long.

God, life is scary.

Rachel came over to study her lines with me and we drank coffee, smoked, and listened to music. She told me the story of how she got herpies. Then we danced. We had a great time because I felt good about myself for the first time in a long time. So, the house opened and people started to come in. The stage looked great. Act I. The Bradmans (Debbie and I) came in. That went well. Rachel came in. I was waiting for her to forget a line or skip a page or two, but she covered well. Another actor skipped a few of my lines. In another scene we had some technical difficulties and poor Rachel didn't know what to do. We covered for that, too. Afterward, we went to dinner and laughed about all the blunders.

We went to Maggie's for the cast party. I had fun. I wasn't sitting there all quiet. Not at all! Afterward, we went downtown to see the Christmas lights. We ran around at one in the morning taking pictures. Some people went home, but Lisa, Brandon, and I went to the Golden Nugget on Clark and Devon. We had coffee and totally talked. We planned on staying up all night. I really got to know Brandon. We talked about death and the afterlife. It seems like every time a bunch of teenagers get together they talk about the same thing. Then we made up stories about people we know and laughed. Brandon is so cool. When Lisa went to the bathroom he said that he really likes her. And when he went to the bathroom Lisa said that she really likes him. Hours went by and Brandon told me that I was really nice and that he had been wrong about me. The sun came up and the three of us walked to Brandon's. We slept for a short while and when we woke up I met Brandon's father. What a hippie! We got stoned and walked to school acting stupid with big smiles on our faces.

There are some things that are still unclear to me…

I'm so frustrated and confused. Who can I turn to? Who? I just want to get good grades. What happened to me? I used to be smart. It's not that I'm stupid. I just need to collect my thoughts. Maybe I've had too much freedom. It snows.

Brandon invited me over. He, Lisa, and I watched "Hair", the musical. I liked it, except Lisa and Brandon were making out the whole time. I peaked a few times. The look on Lisa's face was beautiful. They went into his father's bedroom to fuck. Yes, fuck! I felt so stupid. They came back out and apologized for leaving me alone. I did kind of mind it. We went outside and smoked in the cold and Lisa told me that Brandon is big and good in bed. Then she confessed that she still loves Thomas and would get back together with him. If she had that in mind then she shouldn't have fucked around with Brandon. I don't get it.

I'm glad I'm so cute and loveable.

Thank God! Michelle and Mimi picked me up and we went to some guy's place in a high rise. The moon was bright and shining onto the lake and the Drive. Michelle and her friend went into his bedroom and Mimi and I listened to music. She wanted me to kiss her, but I didn't. I danced while Mimi sat depressed on the couch. I danced to the moon and the lake. When I sat with her again it was weird. She was disappointed. Now I'm home and in bed. It's just past midnight and I feel bad for not doing anything with Mimi. Am I gay? Who cares? Life's a dream that you have no control over. Someday I'll wake up and forget all this. That's the day I die.

I went out with my cousins and sat at the bar for the first time. I hate something that I always see there- straight couples drunk and touching each other all over!

I smoked a joint for the first time in my life. We were in the bathroom at the school gym. I shouldn't ever again, but… After school I went to Maggie's. Her family has a beautiful Christmas tree with presents under it. It made me sad in a way. Dad's been drinking again.

Melisa came to Reza's with my cousins and me. She whispered in my ear that she wants to fuck me. She's decided not to go away.

We got stoned and took Brandon to the airport. Lisa was depressed and spent the night here. We stayed up 'til three, smoking in the dark, telling each other some deep dark secrets until we felt sleepy.

We sat around the party with a bunch of college girls. Then I suggested we go to the Bistro, the gay bar. Lisa called Marcelo who's back in town and he picked us up. We all squeezed into his car. I got into the bar on Marcelo's arm. My first time there. At first I felt uncomfortable in a gay bar. Some people were really cute, others really strange and disgusting. We danced and walked around. There were strippers and scary lesbians. We had fun. I saw another Assyrian there and was shocked. I turned to Tara, Tracy's older sister, and said that I was embarrassed to be seen in a gay bar. She said, "Kiss me!" So I did. Then I asked for another kiss and she slipped me the tongue. Tara went to DePaul with my cousin Ray and knows him. We talked about what a huge crush she's had on him for two years now. We laughed about this while drinking. I went to the bathroom and this big ugly guy was feeling another one out all over. Scary!

Mom called sounding sad. I told her to be happy, it's Christmas. Not going to think about the future.

Worked in a soup kitchen and had to carry a lot of things and get dirty. Hated it! Then we went to Melisa's where I met her aunt with whom I spoke Assyrian. I think everyone liked me.

The eighties are almost gone.

Bought an Everything But The Girl CD, The Housemartins, and Madness. Dad and I had another fight. He kept bringing up mom and I told him he had no right to dishonor her. He's to forget about her. What right does he have to curse her out just because she's remarried? He hasn't even bothered to ask me how I feel about it. We've never even talked about my suicide attempt. Now dad's asleep on the couch and I'm alone. I know I like Leticia very much but deep down inside I know I'm gay. I've known it since I was very little. But I deny it. I don't want anyone else to know. But why am I gay? There's got to be a reason. It's really hard and painful. If it weren't sort of obvious I wouldn't mind it. And I try so hard to hide it, but I mess up. I have to admit I loved the Bistro. I loved being looked at by other men. I loved it when Marcelo and I made out in his mother's Bimmer last summer. But, God, I wish I were straight. Like Dr. Cooper said at the hospital, I need a relationship with a man to find out my true sexual identity. I'm only sixteen, how am I going to find a guy?

At Marcelo's New Year's Eve party Lisa told me that Brandon knows about me. I wish he didn't. I guess Lisa told him that I'm confused and experimenting, which is fine. Some of us went out to get stoned. Of course we were drunk. Thomas was being sweet. I was so happy.

November 1989

School was tiring. Didn't learn much. Why am I stupid? I'll try harder, I promise.

I'm thinking of quitting smoking, it's fucking up my singing. There's only fourteen days left of school. I wrote Eli a letter in class 'cause there's nothing else to do. I do a lot of thinking in class, too. Maybe that's why my grades aren't that hot. I was thinking how thankful we should be that we're young and healthy. But, why am I so self-conscious? I've written mom three letters in school, which I'll never mail. It's hard explaining to people what happened between my mother and me. I finally talked to that Japanese exchange student. His English isn't very good, but he knows Swing Out Sister, my favorite band. He's cool. He said there are so many pictures of me in the yearbook. Today Bell said that I'm popular. I felt bad because he wasn't popular in high school. The future looks scary. I'm still writing poems and sketching. Dreaming. I hope there's a heaven. I'm pretty sure there is.

I had the wildest dream last night- it was about a cobra and cigarettes. Last night, after I wrote in my journal, Lisa called and asked me to go over since she was sick and alone. So, I got ready and walked to the bus stop. It started to snow. Then a woman in her early thirties came and she turned out to be the coolest. The scene was beautiful- snow falling and two strangers talking at a bus stop while the darkness surrounded them. We talked about life, friends, school, and of course about the ever-infamous weather in Chicago. She told me to do what I want to do in life and make myself happy. That's what I've been saying ever since I got out of the hospital. But, do I really do that? It makes me so happy when people talk to me. But people don't like teenagers. I know it. But it's great being a teenager.

A bunch of us went to Jessie's. We talked for a while when suddenly I got depressed. I don't know why. I think it's Lisa. I hate her. Some people got stoned. I didn't. We were supposed to go to a bar, but I decided to go home instead.

Some people from Loyola came to our school to perform a boring play about drugs. I'm flunking Spanish, History, and whatever else.

Life is strange, yet funny. No one really knows the purpose of it. We're here to learn. Life is a dream and dying is waking up. Heaven is our home. I can't wait to go. I came home and spent the night with dad. It was o.k.

I went to the Assyrian church today because I was asked by my aunt- they needed singers for their choir. It was so boring! My cousins and I sang our hearts out. It was us and a bunch of old ladies. This sucks. Afterward we went to Reza's, a Persian restaurant. I smoked a lot. We talked and laughed about school in Iran and how strict it was.

Did I tell you I found out Thomas is twenty-seven? On the news there's talk about East and West Germany, you know the whole wall thing. I started writing a play today called, "Sixteen Was Hell".

Tomorrow I'm leaving for California. I got ready for bed when a family fight broke out. It was a bad one. I cried and threw things. I don't want to explain. God, I'm unsure about tomorrow. Please help me. I'm feeling very lonely.

Dad drove me to the airport but we didn't talk much because of hard feelings from the night before. Don't ever push it with parents. I got a seat in the smoking section of the plane. When it came time to say goodbye to dad I wasn't sad. We have been together without mom for a year now. We are sick of each other. On the plane a big, fat, old man sat next to me, but luckily he moved to another seat because the flight was almost empty. I wrote Maggie a ten page angry letter. Put on my headphones and listened to Swing Out Sister and smoked. When I got off the plane I could see mom and that man we knew from Turlock. I couldn't remember his name. I didn't think much of it. I walked toward them, smiling. Mom was looking past me because she didn't recognize me. As I got closer I could see her aging beauty. I was glad she had taken care of herself and looked good. If she had looked bad I would have blamed myself. I called out, 'Mom!' That's when she looked at me. She said my name like a question. "Emil?" We hugged. She introduced the man standing next to her as Beluse. We got my luggage and went to the car. During all this I got to know him. He was nice and funny. Mom was looking at me and making me uncomfortable. She'll get used to me, I guess. Mom's car looked different. Beluse had his things in it. In our car. I didn't like that. We stopped for pizza and were back on the road again. Now I was starting to wonder about mom and Beluse. When we got to Modesto he dropped us off at my uncle Fred's house and drove off. It was a beautiful house with two floors. I loved it. In the kitchen while looking through the two-door fridge I asked mom when she was getting married. She laughed. And I said, 'Or, are you already married?' She chuckled. It turns out she is married! To Beluse! I laughed feeling a little stupid because the whole day I'd gone around with a stepfather I didn't know existed. I also found out that they had put my dog, Findi, to sleep. I blame myself, I do. But I didn't cry. So my dog is dead and my mother is married. The weird thing is that she's being so loving and nice. Beluse called a couple times but we didn't go over because I didn't feel like it. Things will never be the same now. That man has my mother. I'll never have her to myself. I like him, but I don't know him. I had to call someone for help. Maggie! She totally understood why I felt so sad. But she's two thousand miles away. I only have myself. Mom's lovey-dovey talk got on my nerves after a while. The memories were painful. But I'm not giving up. Mom says hurtful little things here and there about me leaving her. I wish I hadn't come. It's painful seeing her- watching her walk, sleep, cook, smile, talk. I waited so long for this? Fuck life!

Woke up and looked around the house. It's such a change from our dingy little apartment in Chicago. The weather is beautiful. Mom and I went to the mall where she bought Beluse a watch for his birthday. We're such different people and our lives will never be the same again. We've both changed. Later we went to Beluse's. I really didn't want to and on the way mom and I fought. I told her I hated her and that I had tried to kill myself. She really didn't care. It hurt. Beluse showed me his beautiful cars in the garage. A 1965 Jaguar convertible and a GM. He said he had taken mom for drives in the country and I hated him for it. I played my cds on his beautiful stereo. For a moment I actually found myself thinking about living there with my "stepfather". Is that what he is to me? Is this guy gonna get old with my mother? Does he have her forever? He calls her moosh-moosh, which is an Assyrian term of endearment. I have no idea what it means but I hate it! Mom's really trying, though. And I feel sorry for her. In the car I told her that I didn't love her, but I wish I hadn't.

It seems like mom's brother, Fred and Beluse get along very well and it fucking pisses me off. Why do I feel these feelings? Mom and I visited with some of her Assyrian friends in the area. They congratulated mom on her marriage. Please!!! Beluse's birthday party was boring and depressing. I kept going outside for a smoke. There I talked to myself, cried, and made wishes. Beluse's dog came out with me. I talked to him. I thought of my own dog, Findi. I'm so suicidal. I wanted a gun to shoot my brains out. Being here is worse than Chicago. Where can I go? Back inside Beluse was playing the guitar and singing. Mom kept telling me to smile. Fred's wife Jamie and I went for a walk and smoked. I wanted so much to tell her everything, but I just couldn't. We spent the night and I slept in Beluse's drafting room, among cool models that he had put together.

Feels like I can't reach what I'm trying to grab. Feels like my glue can't hold the pieces together. A friend of Beluse came over and the three of them were talking in Beluse's office about traveling. I sat in another room, turned to the window, and cried. I've got to be strong. Mom and I drove to Modesto and in the car I told her that I've finally made up my mind not to see her again after going back to Chicago. I cried and she told me not to act that way. I looked out the window the whole time and couldn't look at her. I threw my camera on the floor and kicked it. When we got there I got out of the car and ran into the house. I know mom loves me, she is nice to me and kisses me, but I ignore her. Jamie and I sat outside and talked, smoking. She understands because her parents divorced when she was a child. She told me how mom would cry day and night when I left for Chicago, saying, "What did I do wrong?" That mom had plans for us. I wanted to cry when I heard this. Then mom came out and the three of us smoked and talked. Later, mom and I drove back to Beluse's and she talked about her plans to study real estate and learn the computer. Maybe now mom can have the things she's wanted all her life. She wants me to come live with them.

Beluse's mother and I watched TV. Mom and Beluse had a stupid fight. They were in their room for hours. It was silly. In a way it was cute because I could hear him trying to make her smile. Later, mom told me that Beluse feels like he can't touch her in front of me because it would make me uncomfortable. I laughed and told her it was silly.

We drove up to the Bay Area to visit with relatives and celebrate Thanksgiving. Mom and I slept in one bed. She held me and was loving. I love her so much. When we go out I notice that men check her out. She's beautiful.

Beluse has been in the States since high school and speaks more English than Assyrian.

Jamie, mom, and I stayed up 'til two in the morning, smoking and talking. I told them the complete story of last summer. I said that I would never forgive some relatives for their actions during my parents' divorce. Jamie gave me some really good advice that I needed. I got it all out. It was painful, but that's life. And I'm only sixteen. I slept in mom's bed with her.

At breakfast I was kind of upset because Beluse had his arm around mom the whole time. He usually does that but today he overdid it. It's kind of tacky. They're too old for that kind of stuff. One of Beluse's friends joined us and he was really shy and quiet. I felt sorry for him. I hope I'm not like that when I grow up. Mom asked if there was a dish I missed that she could fix, and we went to the store to pick up the ingredients for Bagali Polo (Persian rice dish) and Khurushid Lobya (Assyrian bean dish.)

We were supposed to drive to Beluse's but it rained too hard and we stayed in the whole day. Mom and I packed my things. I can't believe it's over. I don't want to go home.

I hugged mom and Beluse goodbye at the airport. Why did the things that happened happen? Could they have been different? I won't see her again until summer. A letter from Eli in Norway cheered me up. God, stop this pain. You know I'm fragile. I'm growing up and she's getting old. Wait a minute! Why am I doing this to myself? There are so many bright sides. I've had a great life and it's only gonna get better. Everything is cool. No need to feel sorry for myself.

Ms. O'Brien came up to me and told me that I've failed three classes. This means I have to stay after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I wore the black t-shirt that mom had borrowed. It smelled like her. Melisa called and I went over there and met her mother. It's funny that Melisa's mother is Assyrian by heritage, because she's totally American otherwise. Melisa and I went to 7-11 and bought a pack of cigarettes and sat in a dark, cold ally and talked. She told me that she has dropped out of college because there are other things she wants to do with her life.

My love life sucks. All I can tell you is that I lost my virginity back in Santa Rosa when I was fourteen!

October 1989

I had a bad dream last night in which I told my mom's side of the family that I tried to commit suicide and they didn't care. It seems I have this totally obvious scar for nothing! When will it go away? Spent most of the day listening to music and reading.

I'm supposed to talk to dad about getting a junior class ring, but he just had a fight with Bell about money. I don't think I'll even ask him. Oh well… My father's done more important things that mean more to me than a stupid ring.

This "fag" thing has gone too far. I'm making it bigger than it is, I guess, but… I've been so self-conscious lately. Walking on the street I always feel as if people know about my sexuality. God, I hate you sometimes. I never used to hate. Why me? I don't deserve any of this shit. There's no one to trust.

Jaygene is so beautiful; she actually makes me feel like a man. Maybe I'm changing. When I told Maggie that I thought I was turning straight she said, "Good!" What is that supposed to mean, anyway? Some eighty-year-old lady left her wallet in dad's cab. I talked to her and told her not to worry, that I'll bring it to her tomorrow.

Maggie and I went to Ruth W. Tinckerman's high-rise apartment and returned her wallet. We got to see her whole apartment. It was beautiful. We totally talked and promised we'd visit and call. She cried. I wondered if those were tears of joy or sadness. I hoped they were of joy. Then Maggie and I went for pizza where three older men kept staring at me, especially the one in the black jacket. I got pissed and just waved at him. He waved back with a smile. Maggie and I had a good conversation. We talked about how thankful we are that we're not retarded, or anything. I think God is changing me because that's what I wanted. I feel more like a man. I think Nicole was right when she said I would grow out of it. But I wish I could be proud of being me. I hope by now you realize that I'm not a stupid teenager.

I'm looking at my scar while writing. I can totally see it. Lately I've been thinking about how I'm going to find my ex-mother when I go to California and shove this scar in her face. A while ago I had a dream that I did this but no one cared. They said it was my problem. Dad's sleeping on the couch like he's been for the past year.

The wind here is cold. I remember last winter. The snow.

I should appreciate these years.

I still don't know who my secret admirer is, but I did find out that she's real. It wasn't a joke. I have a feeling this is going to be embarrassing. Jaygene and I talked at school. She's beautiful when she smiles at me.

I just hope that the future will be cool. I also think a lot about the past, Iran, and how much I've changed since we moved to America. I used to look like a geek, but now I'm good looking. I'm still feeling straight. I told Rachel this and she said that she hopes I'm not just blocking it out. I'm not sure, really.

I went out with my cousins and got home at five in the morning. I had alcohol but not too much.

I hate Sundays. The three of us just fought and yelled. I spent an hour sitting in my room crying. I was supposed to go out with my cousin, Ray, but didn't. I was just angry. I'm thinking about not going to school tomorrow because I'll probably be in a bad mood. I'm thinking of cutting off my social life for a while. Maybe I just want attention, for people to miss me. Everyone must hate me because I'm so boring and quiet. Marcelo called, but I wasn't home.

Marcelo called again. He was totally nice. That made me happy.

I used the earthquake in California as an excuse to call my relatives there. Maggie encouraged me, too. I called my favorite great aunt, Anjel. My heart was beating out of my chest. She answered. I said hello in Assyrian. She recognized my voice. I prayed hard that she would be nice to me, and she was. She explained what was going on with mom all alone in California. Things I already knew. She made it sound as if it was my fault that mom was miserable. Afterward, I called Maggie. She explained that I am not responsible. I'm not sure anymore. This might sound stupid, but every time I'm in a crowded place I wish I were famous so people would look at me and come up to me. I love being noticed… by anyone. I went to a bar with my cousins and saw my geography teacher there. He was drunk. We talked for a while. He was so cool.

Anjel told me to call my uncle Fred's if I wanted to talk to my mother because she was staying there for the weekend. Mom and I talked. We argued. I cried. I told her I hate her. Then hung up. This will be an emotional trip. I'll let whatever happens happen. That simple.

I suddenly realized that I love God and that God loves me, that I am special to him. Lisa and Thomas had their little party Friday but I didn't go because when Lisa invited me she said, "You can come only if you promise to talk to people." Fuck her! The next time I see her I don't know if I should do a lot of acting or if I should just be me. Someday when I'm reading this I might be in a mansion, or a prison cell, or a farm. Who knows?

I didn't go to school since Bell is sick and stayed home. I figured I should keep him company and take care of him. (Good excuse, ha?) But in the morning dad insisted on giving me a ride to school. I tried to talk him out of it, but he dropped me off at the corner of Clark and Devon. I ended up walking back to the apartment. I stopped at Dominick's and got a can of chicken soup for Bell. Spent the day sketching and creating. My headaches are coming back.

I stayed home again. I feel guilty. I know I will be famous someday, somehow. I feel it. My head hurts again. Nothing exciting happened really. When dad came home we had a nice evening.

I got a surprise call today from mom. It was weird. It's the first time she's ever called us here in Chicago. She was mom just like before. Very nice. I like that. She talked to Bell, too. She said they'd pick me up from the airport and that she now lives in Modesto, not Santa Rosa. Modesto's so boring!

In years this'll all be history!

I feel very guilty because I didn't go to school again! I know, I know, I'm being lazy. There was a dance at school tonight where you pick up your yearbook. I went with Lisa and Rachel. They were playing House Music and there were a lot of Spanish and black kids. We didn't go inside. The yearbooks were bad. Mr. Flink came out and joked about seeing me at a bar. Then Ms. Gasner came up to me and said, "So, I hear you've been hitting the DePaul bar scene." I was so embarrassed. It was funny. Afterward, Lisa and I walked to Thomas'. On the way we saw Josh, the guy who got Lisa pregnant. He waved at us with a big smile. We waved back and kept walking. We laughed about it. Thomas was being a jerk. I hate him sometimes. Yes, I do!

Bell and I had a huge fight when we got up. Nice way to start the day. After cleaning up the broken glass and spilled Coke I took a shower. Lisa came over and we watched "Haunted Honeymoon", which was funny. Poor Guilda Radner, she died of cancer. So, we got bored and while looking for my hamster, Andy, who runs loose in the apartment, we found loose change in the sofa, and seven lighters, a spoon, M&Ms, and more change! That was fun. While we were cleaning ourselves from the dust Rachel called. She wanted us to go with her to dinner with an old friend of hers she didn't want to meet alone. The company was dorky and boring. We couldn't wait for dinner to be over. When we finally got away from these totally uninteresting people we walked in the middle of the streets in the quietness of the dark. The only thing that could be heard was our conversation and the dried leaves we were walking through. It was one of those nights in life…

Things to do: Memorize my lines from Act I, write letter to Marcelo, clean apartment, and live.

Isn't it weird how life changes? I mean, it's uncontrollable. So much is going on. Time goes by and I'm growing up, things happening all over this world. Is any of this any good? Someone answer me. I got my driving permit today. I'm in one of those Emil moods and I can't control any of this. I'm totally over my suicide thing. It's in the past.

In our neighborhood people are poor.

September 1989

I had a huge fight with Bell. He's so selfish. I hate him! I threw things and cried. Lisa was there to witness this. I'm fucked up. I should have killed myself. Things aren't getting better. Not at all.

Lisa and I went to the Assyrian convention downtown. It was better than I expected. I'm not really into Assyrians, but it was cool. We were all drunk. Even Bell, who doesn't normally drink. Lisa and I hugged and said how much we love each other. Maybe I had too much to drink but I had fun. I saw my aunt Jackie and grandmother but we are not speaking.

I went to Greg's barbeque. It was o.k. I'm glad Lisa and Thomas were there. The three of us hung out. I used to think Thomas was gay but then he and Lisa started dating. I think he's bi or something. Lisa says he loves me, but maybe he wants me. If you ask me I would do stuff with him even though it would hurt Lisa. I'm sorry, but I'm a slut. Maybe not a slut, but I just need somebody- bad enough to hurt a friend. I've been obsessed with going back to California for a visit, but dad can't afford the plane ticket. I feel bad for him. I think the right thing to do is to wait. I don't know. Maybe I'll work at Dominick's until I make a couple of hundred dollars. And if I like it I'll just stay and work all year and buy clothes. I need clothes.

I didn't go to school today. I cried myself to sleep last night. Dad came home early and found me. He wasn't mad.

Prediction: I have a feeling it's going to be a long and boring day at school. I was right. School was boring and hot and sticky. I hated it. I saw Thomas while walking to school in the morning. He totally waved at me. Then walking back in the afternoon he saw me again, honked, and waved. That was cool. Dad surprised me with a ticket to California in November!!!

School was hell again. I know everyone loves me, but I wonder sometimes. I hope I'll be famous soon. Maybe in the future I'll be reading this as a star and laughing. I haven't been suicidal, lately. Cool.

I went bowling for the very first time.

Thomas hugged me when he came to pick up Lisa after school. It was heaven. He gave me a pair of old cut off shorts.

I've taken the bandages off my wrist. The scar totally shows. Hopefully it will go away. Thomas and Lisa picked me up to hang out with them. Why do they hang out with me so much? Does Thomas like me deep down inside? I've written some lyrics, which Thomas played around with on his guitar tonight. Lisa was acting funny through the whole thing. It's probably my imagination.

Today, while listening to music I broke down and cried. Later, in the kitchen I found myself talking to myself, like two different people in one body. When I went over to Lisa's she knew something was wrong with me but we didn't talk. Instead we got ready for Josh's birthday party where I was sad for the first hour. When Rachel asked me how I was doing I started crying. We went outside and talked. One of Josh's friends, a girl who was drunk and cool, gave me a beer. Before I knew it I was drunk and happy. When I think about it it's kind of strange because I never used to drink, smoke, or have a social life. Then, a bunch of us went outside and got stoned. It was a lot of fun. Back inside Thomas was upset with Lisa and ran outside. I followed. We sat on the front steps and talked. Our first one-on-one talk, ever. Too bad I was fucked up. I did my best, though. He told me some strange stuff. I'm not sure if he was drunk, or what. I wanted him so badly… the way he looked at me. But I don't think it would work.

While cleaning and listening to music I had another attack. After crying and hitting myself I called Lisa and she calmed me down. Later, Lisa, Thomas, Melisa, and I went to a cemetery in Evanston and drank beer. Thomas helped me climb over the wall. He pushed me up, his hands on my ass. It was wonderful. We walked around a little, got scared, and decided to leave. I didn't talk much. I hope you don't think I've always been like this. It's only been this bad the last few months. I'm trying hard to hold on but I'm giving up again. Thoughts go through my head and I talk to myself. I'm waiting for someone. I thought Marcelo was it, but I was very wrong.

School was hell, of course. I'm not just being a stupid teenager, it really was! Today in history Ms. Eichler said she was a witch and I believed her. She's cool. I like her. Rachel called and I met her at Heartland Café. We totally talked about my sexuality, depression, and about some happy things, too. Right now I wish I were more… the kind to use big words for the right mood- like a writer. I hope I'll be happy forever…

Lisa told me today that she's still attracted to Gabe, but she loves Thomas. Nicole came over and we made out. I sucked her tits and she gave me hickies. I must hide them for tomorrow.

Everyone found out about the hickies. It kind of felt good. I could finally prove to them that I am a "man".

Maggie's been jealous of me hanging out with others. She went off on me and hit me. I hate her.

Lisa, Thomas, and I went to see "Sex, Lies, and Videotape". I know Thomas wants me, I know he loves me. In the theater he asked if he could sit in the middle so he could talk to me. The vibes are strong but hopefully they're not wrong. After the movie he asked me for a cigarette. I handed him the pack and he took one. When I asked for one he personally put it in my mouth. He always laughs when I say something funny. When they dropped me off he touched my knee. He always does. I don't mind it at all. He told me I should come over when he moves into his new apartment. "We'll rent movies," he said. Well, I'm ready to fall asleep. I hope I can take it day by day, and not drown myself in thoughts. In case I forgot to mention, dad cancelled my therapy sessions. I'll get professional help some other time.

I'm sad about school. I don't even know how I'm doing. Lisa and I were walking when I told her I like Thomas. She was laughing. I'm glad she didn't get serious about it.

Lunch was depressing. While Maggie and I talked John was saying rude stuff about me. He called out, "Bisexual fag who lives on Damen and Devon!" Do you know what it's like not being able to trust anyone? No one noticed, but I did. Maggie told me not to worry about it. I was about ready to just leave, take off. But I didn't.

I went to a bar with my older cousins. We drank and smoked and talked.

Today I wondered what I will look like when I'm in my thirties. Will I marry and have kids?